How do you know when you are in a dead-end relationship? This is a very good question because all relationships go through bad patches. I guess you may use the word ‘dead’, though, when you aren’t getting anything from the relationship any more. Perhaps you feel lonely in the relationship or maybe distant from your partner over a prolonged period of time.
Are these feelings normal?
If you’re going through a dead period in a relationship, that happens sometimes – it’s very normal. A relationship can’t be wonderful, exciting and full of roses and chocolates all of the time. We’re all familiar with the term ‘the honeymoon period’… we are sometimes taught through Hollywood movies, pop songs and magazine articles, etc. that life is meant to be exciting and special and dramatic and everything all at the same time. No, life can be mundane at times and you need mundane to have time to reflect and move forward. So if you don’t feel close to your partner at the moment, that’s different to feeling trapped inside a dead relationship where you feel continually lifeless or lonely.
How can I start to fix my relationship?
The first question to ask yourself is ‘do I want the relationship to be fixed’? If the answer is yes, then there are many steps that you can take together, as a couple, to help your troubled relationship. Naturally, you both have to want the relationship to work and it’ll be up to both of you to make the effort required.
The first step is, of course, to talk. And by talking, we don’t mean in the pub after a few glasses of wine or after a long days work when you are both tired. Identify a good time when you are both full of energy and in a neutral space that you can sit and discuss what you want and don’t want from the relationship. Be prepared to really listen and understand your partner and recognise their issues. Be open and talk about yours but try to do so without blame, and without bringing up past squabbles… this is a time for the bigger picture and not niggles about somebody not doing the washing up the previous evening! It’s important to understand that relationships are about give and take. You are not going to be with somebody ‘perfect’ and neither are you perfect. Recognise and accept your own contributions to the downfall of the relationship – it’s so important to understand yourself, to work on your own issues and to begin to heal. Do take a little time to focus on the positives… what does work, why you should be together, what you did or do get from the relationship.
If you find it difficult to discuss these things with your partner then consider seeking therapy from a specialist counsellor. Somebody who understands the day to day challenges of a relationship and an external perspective can really help things to move forward.
My relationship is dead: is it time to leave?
Whether to stay or leave your relationship of course depends on personal circumstance. Are you still experiencing something positive from your relationship? Are the negative feelings fleeting or ongoing? Do you feel valued in your relationship? Are you able to communicate effectively with your partner?
The best course of action depends on whether you believe you are still getting something from the relationship at this time or whether you are feeling dead. If you are feeling zapped, sucked dry and that the relationship isn’t on your terms, these are red flags.
If you feel you cannot survive or are of no value without the person you are in a relationship with then this should definitely ring alarm bells. That’s not a reciprocal relationship that is caring, loving and thoughtful – it’s a toxic relationship and you may be dealing with narcissistic behaviour from your partner. Visit our blog on “The Top -10-commandments-for-dealing-with-narcissists“ to learn more.
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