The Ultimate Guide to Narcissism

The Ultimate Guide to Narcissism

Note: All book extracts in this narcissism guide have been taken from Michael’s book, Learning How To Leave: A Practical Guide To Stepping Away From Toxic & Narcissistic Relationships. This is the first book in Michael’s Power of You series of accessible, supportive, empathetic, practical self-help guides on major life-changing challenges, from narcissism and toxic relationships to parenting and grief. It is available to buy online in Kindle, ePub, paperback and audiobook formats.

For more information, including narcissism helplines and resources, go to: mpamind.com.

You can also connect with Michael on Twitter (@acton_mp), Instagram (@michael_padraig_acton), Facebook (@Actonmp), LinkedIn (Michael Padraig Acton) and YouTube (Michael Padraig Acton).

We all get frustrated by the self-centred behaviour of our significant others at times, and it would be unnerving to many of us if our needs were always our partner’s first concern.

Likewise, we all expect our other halves to make an effort to impress others when on an evening out or attending an important meeting.

But if this need for attention and admiration dominates their life, if they seem to lack any awareness of or consideration of your feelings and if they display an attitude of superiority or entitlement, there is a small chance they are suffering with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

Named after the mythical Greek hunter who fell in love with his own reflection, NPD is one of the four classified ‘Cluster B’ or ‘dramatic, emotional or erratic disorders.’

Narcissism, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the DSM-5

According to the DSM-5, the patient with NPD:

• Needs others for regulating their sense of self and self-esteem, with an exaggerated self-appraisal that can be inflated, deflated, or switch between the two.

AND/OR

• Sets goals based on gaining approval from others. They will either work obsessively to demonstrate their superiority or refuse to make any effort because of a feeling of entitlement.

AND

• Uses relationships to boost self-esteem with little genuine interest in others’ experiences.
• Is antagonistic to others due to their grandiosity (feeling that they are better than others).
• Excessively attempts to attract and be the focus of attention.

Diagnosing narcissism: What are the 9 traits of a narcissist?

Again according to the DSM, diagnosis of NPD can be made if the person displays five of the following nine traits:

1. A grandiose sense of self-importance.
2. Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
3. Belief that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions.
4. Requires excessive admiration.
5. Has a sense of entitlement.
6. Is interpersonally exploitative – takes advantage of others.
7. Lacks empathy.
8. Envies others or believes others are envious of him or her.
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes.

In common with other personality disorders, the patient with NPD will demonstrate the above characteristics everywhere and at all times. Their symptoms will not be because of their age (children under about the age of eight are expected to display narcissism); culture; substance use or a medical condition.

NPD is one of the most challenging disorders to work with and it is arguably incurable, but that should not deter a self-aware sufferer or their family members from seeking treatment for narcissism. Much can be done to coach individuals with NPD into forming better relationships with others and a solution-focused approach from an experienced therapist can go a long way into improving the unhealthy family dynamic.

How prevalent is NPD and narcissism?

Psychiatrists put the prevalence somewhere around 1% but the number will be more than that: relatively few NPD sufferers admit they have a problem and those that do tend to regard any therapeutic intervention as beneath them.

There is also a type of narcissism, sometimes called vulnerable or fragile narcissism, where the person may present with another type of personality disorder, masking their narcissistic traits. This again reduces the apparent prevalence of people with NPD in society.

For more on narcissism and how to escape a relationship with a narcissist see my book (available from Amazon Kindle, Amazon paperback, Audible audiobook, Apple Books and more) – Power of You: Learning How To Leave.

Narcissism and NPD in the headlines

Ever so often a story will come to the fore which gives the general public the briefest of glimpses into what life for the narcissist, and the family members trying to live with them, might look like.

That happened late in 2015 in the case of a 50 year-old woman, known only as ‘C’, who was granted the right to refuse life-saving treatment to avoid the loss of ‘her sparkle.’ C’s approach to life together with the comments from her family members strongly support a case of NPD – enough to convince one psychiatrist to make the diagnosis. I am, of course, in no position to either confirm or reject that diagnosis but the dramatic end of C’s brief sojourn on our world would not have looked out of place as a case study to illustrate one of the sections of my book: Power of You: Learning How To Leave. I offer you the text of that short but tragic section:

THE DEATH OF THE NARCISSIST

I find that people often pity the lot of the narcissist and I can see why: the life of a narcissist is indeed tragic. But the way in which they can and will drag anyone they bond with into their nightmare means that sympathy is a very risky attitude to take. To the narcissist, sympathy is just another form of attention, and they will gladly lap it up until their victims have no more to give.

Underneath the mask lives a frightened and angry child, afraid of being abandoned and ignored and desperate to replace those feelings with the drugs of physical pleasure, admiration and attention. Other people exist solely to gratify these needs and are, in their eyes, little more than objects with no right to their own feelings or motivations.

Sadly, as the narcissist begins to age, they lose some of their physical appeal while, at the same time, their history of cruelty and dishonesty usually begins to catch up with them.

They may end up profoundly alone and destroyed by debt, with nowhere left to go to escape from the inner darkness they have been running from for so long.

Perhaps they will, at last, face a final reconciliation with their shadow but that is unlikely to occur in a therapist’s rooms.

In all my years of practice, I have never seen a recovered narcissist.

The Buzz around Narcissism and Codependency

There has been an explosion of popularity in the subjects of narcissism and codependency over the last few years.

Since I published my first book, Narcissism and Codependency: Both Sides of the Coin, new ways of talking about both narcissism and codependency have entered the common language, and some older terms have been revived. Everyone and their dog now has an opinion on narcissism and codependency. People are diagnosing fellow humans with serious psychiatric disorders because of a comment they once made on Twitter!

What is the reason for this? As I mentioned in the introduction, the drugs companies are looking for ways to manage as many people as possible through medication; the more people that are sick, the better!

The media outlets stand to profit from anything that turns ordinary lives into dramas. There are also plenty of experts who like to add personal kudos and boost their YouTube viewing figures or search engine ranking. They do this by adding terms like ‘sociopath’ and ‘malignant’ to their narcissism diagnoses, or blending disorders as if there were a psychiatric pick ‘n’ mix.

Whatever the reasons, the result has been a muddying of the waters with the terms narcissism, codependency and their variants bandied around whenever we want to disparage a person (Donald Trump?) or create a drama. What about those unhappy, confused souls desperate for help? Perhaps they gain some control over their personal pain by trying to give it a name—even if the slipper doesn’t really fit.

This is why it is important that individuals, couples and families source help from therapists with personal experience. Those who live and breathe relationship problems personally – on a daily basis – not the non-therapeutic models used by the drugs companies and psychiatrists; nor the exotic definitions given by YouTube narcissism gurus and sensation-seeking media companies; nor the results churned out by an online narcissism test.

Having said all that, to navigate this complex and shifting world, it does help to try and pin down some of those popular narcissism buzzwords and see how they fit with the reality of what therapists such as myself deal with in our rooms.

With that in mind, I will summarise some of the commonly used terms and follow this with a closer look at some of the trending topics around narcissism and codependency.

Five popular narcissism buzzwords

(For the Top 10 narcissism buzzwords, see my book)

1. Malignant Narcissism

Malignant narcissism is a revival of a term created in the 1960s and made popular in the 1980s and 1990s by the psychoanalyst Otto Kernberg. It was originally based on the theory of a spectrum of unhealthy narcissism, leading from the patient with NPD at the mild end to the psychopath at the severe end. The malignant narcissist sits between the two. The term is applied more broadly today.

2. Narcissistic Sociopath

We know from the movies that sociopaths are remorseless killers so combining narcissism with sociopathy (whether as a narcissistic sociopath or sociopathic narcissist) adds an element of ‘wickedness’ to the definition. In truth, all sociopaths are narcissistic so why the extra ingredient? It’s like talking about jam pectin or egg protein.

3. Narcissistic Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Narcissistic BPD doesn’t officially exist because both disorders are diagnosed separately in the DSM-5. However, there can be an overlap in traits (e.g. both can feel entitled, display rage when rejected and engage in seductive behaviours). At the end of the day, if the person you are concerned about displays the narcissism traits detailed in this book, does it matter whether they are a pure narcissist?

4. Grandiose Personality Disorder

The unofficial term Grandiose Personality Disorder is sometimes used to separate out ‘true’ narcissists from those who are less obviously egotistical. It might also be used as a colourful description by the media (e.g. the term was applied by a New York magazine writer when ‘diagnosing’ photographer Annie Leibovitz). Either way, it is of no use to a suffering codependent. Someone with Grandiose Personality Disorder is a narcissist – pure and simple!

5. Group/Collective Narcissism

Imagine a narcissist becomes the CEO of a company. He or she brings in people they know will do what they ask. The wider team, anxious to please the boss, won’t allow any negative feedback to make its way to the top. Beneath the healthy facade, the company rots away until one day it sinks without trace. That’s collective or group narcissism.

For more detail, please read my narcissism book: Learning How To Leave: A Practical Guide To Stepping Away From Toxic & Narcissistic Relationships.

Signs of Narcissism: Are you in a relationship with a narcissist?

It is not always easy to know if you are in a relationship with a narcissist or not because we all have narcissistic tendencies. Narcissists are also masters (and mistresses) of deception.

Here are some signs of narcissism in men and women to watch out for:

• Childish behaviour when attention is lacking (e.g. sulking or becoming angry).
• A lack of empathy. In fact, narcissists will typically get angry when you’ve had a bad day!
• An inability to take criticism.
• An attitude of superiority and entitlement to special treatment.
• Gaslighting.

How to deal with a narcissist

In my considerable experience, there is only one way to deal with a narcissist: you get them out of your life.

I’m sorry if that seems a dramatic thing to say, but that is nothing compared with the drama somebody with NPD will inflict on your life if you stay connected to them.

We are all narcissists at times but NPD sufferers are mentally ill and rarely, if ever, recover. In fact ‘sufferer’ is the wrong term to use because narcissists make sure they do not suffer. They avoid the trauma of having to look within by projecting all of their self-hate and lack of esteem onto those that feed them their narcissistic supply; it is the narcissists’ victims that suffer – and that’s why you need to get out fast (but in a controlled, planned manner).

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is nothing to be ashamed of. Many narcissists are skilled in the art of charm and seduction and their game – for that’s what it is to them – is particularly calculated and insidious.

Love and Narcissism: Is a Narcissist Capable of Love?

Does my narcissistic partner or spouse love me? Will they ever appreciate me as a person? Are they even capable of love?

Questions such as these really strike at the heart of what it means to be in a partner relationship with a narcissist. Before we delve into this, my narcissism book, Power of You: Learning How To Leave is ideal for anyone looking to truly understand – and escape from – their narcissist.

How dating a narcissist changes you

Romance and love are so deeply entwined in western culture that it can be almost impossible to tease them apart. This is a serious problem for the love target of a narcissist, because men and women with NPD often possess the perfect blend of skills to ace the dating game.

In fact, the ‘love-bomb’ phase is a classic narcissist tactic for getting a love interest hooked. A narcissist will tell you that they love you and be very convincing while doing it. They will shower you with gifts, praise you to the rafters and support you in your ambitions. They will expend their boundless energy on making your dreams come true. They will attend to your every need, comfort you when you’re feeling down and be there when you need them. The trouble is that romantic love is itself a form of narcissism. It is the love of an idealistic self – one that has been extended by a perfect ‘other’.

When we first meet someone we fancy, we don’t know enough about them to share a real relationship. We fill in the gaps with our own ideal picture of the flawless partner. We are, in essence, having a relationship with our own fantasy creation – at least to begin with. But the passion of an early love affair has a shelf life. As we get to know the person beneath, we either develop the relationship into something real or decide to part ways – or maybe become friends.

One of the reasons that romance comes so naturally to a narcissist is that there is no real intention to develop the relationship. There is no real commitment. The narcissist is happy to live the lie for as long as it brings them pleasure and makes them feel important and secure. For the narcissist, love is a transaction. They will play their part in the love game while they’re getting something out of it.

But like the smart gambler’s relationship with a casino – once the fun stops, they stop.

Experiencing narcissism: what is a narcissistic relationship like?

Sometimes the narcissist discards their partner to find new sources of attention and entertainment. This is often traumatic for the victim. They may feel a mixture of anger, hurt and shame as they are simply discarded without notice.

Sometimes the narcissist sticks around, preferring to stay in a dissatisfying relationship than to be alone. This is particularly the case if their partner is codependent. They know they can rely on a steady supply of attention as the codependent does everything they can to fix things. There may also be material and physical comforts – money, sex, beauty, status – to benefit from. While there is still juice in the fruit, the narcissist will keep squeezing. Despite their disinterest in the relationship, the narcissist is savvy enough to know that they need to rekindle the romance every now and then.

Is it any surprise that so many confused partners and spouses wonder if they are living with a narcissist and, if so, whether their narcissist is ever capable of feeling and expressing genuine love?

Love and narcissism: Why narcissists struggle with love

There is a lot of evidence that points to the root cause of narcissism being a situation where a person has either grown up under conditions of severe abuse or, conversely, has been put on a pedestal. Either way, they have never developed the healthy ego function we all need to regulate behaviour and self-esteem. When attention is taken away from them, they feel afraid and lost.

The biggest hurdle for a narcissist, and a key trait of NPD, is their lack of empathy. It is the missing ingredient in their otherwise astute emotional intelligence. A narcissist may be able to read your emotions like a book, and say precisely the right thing in the right way, but they just can’t put themselves in your shoes. When you look into their eyes with gratitude, it is your reaction they crave. Any pleasure you feel is incidental.

And that’s when all is well in their world. When the inevitable disagreements happen, they are just as unfazed about how their words hurt you.

The only goal of a narcissist is to win the argument, to maintain power in the relationship and to defend themselves against any feelings which might taint their inflated image of themselves.

How do you know if your partner is a narcissist?

So, how do you work out whether your partner or spouse is genuinely loving towards you or is a cunning narcissist? It’s tough because, as I’ve already said, narcissists can display loving behaviours such as saying supportive things, giving gifts and providing physical affection.

But what does your gut say? Do you feel cherished? Do you get emotional support? Are you and your partner close? Is he or she interested in how things are for you?

When things are not going their way, a narcissist’s behaviour can often become remote, dismissive and even aggressive. While every relationship has its rocky patches, if your overall feeling is that your partner is not interested in understanding and meeting your needs, it could be time to reassess the relationship.

Are you asking the right question?

Regardless of whether your partner is a narcissist or not, there is one question you also need to ask yourself:

Am I capable of loving myself?

Codependents are usually drawn to narcissists because they are comfortable with the narcissistic relationship pattern of giving all their attention to someone else in order to feel needed. If you neglect yourself in the effort to please your partner, would you even be able to accept genuine love if it came your way?

A qualified relationship therapist can help you to build strong boundaries and understand what you need in your life to really be happy and fulfilled. Over time, you will become less concerned about monitoring your partner’s every mood and movement.

If your partner or spouse does have NPD, they will feel threatened by your development and try every trick in the book to take charge of the relationship. You will finally see them for who they are.

On the other hand, the person you thought was a narcissist may just surprise you by rising to your challenge and changing their behaviour to meet your needs.

A good place to start on your road to understanding unhealthy relationships is my powerful narcissism book, Power of You: Learning How To Leave. You will also find practical steps for unhooking and recovering from a narcissistic abuser.

Understanding the role of the codependent

We all need to feel special in our relationships. It is also perfectly normal and healthy to prioritise the needs of our partners and others at times. To show them that you care and make them feel good about themselves. As a bonus, you, as the caregiver, feel that nice warm glow from knowing you are needed. This is our reward for being kind and caring.

DANGER! In some cases our nurturing instinct gets blown out of all proportion. Rather than consciously choosing to sacrifice our needs to help our partners, friends or work colleagues, we are sometimes compelled to do so, fearful of losing the security of the relationship should we fail to take good care of them.

In such circumstances, the pain of separation and disapproval seems to outweigh any of the damaging effects on self-esteem that our own martyrdom can cause. In fact, in embedded cases, the person has lost all sense of a boundary between self and those to whom they are attached, if they ever had such healthy boundaries to begin with.

The only accepted clinical diagnosis for people who behave in this manner at this time is having a ‘passive dependent’ personality, but the recognition of the trait in families blighted by alcohol abuse led to the creation of a new term: codependency. Codependency is generally used now across the board.

Codependents have an abnormal fear of loss which makes them subservient in nature. They will do anything to be that ‘special one’ in the lives of those affected by addiction – or a personality disorder. In effect, their enabling behaviour extends the illness or disorder to the whole family. Whereas a mentally healthy individual would see that a drug abuser or narcissist needs to face up to and overcome their pathological addiction to a substance or supply of attention, the codependent unwittingly perpetuates the problem, making excuses for the other party and living in denial. Put love in the mix and any of us can be placed in this power imbalance.

When codependents and narcissists collide

For codependents in a relationship with a narcissist, this narcissism dynamic is particularly dangerous, especially when the narcissist decides that the codependent is not providing them with enough of the right kind of attention. As the narcissist begins to humiliate and abuse the codependent, the latter falls back on their natural defence mechanism of denial, trying even harder to win approval.

Are you codependent?

The line between healthy dependence on one another – and a dangerous descent into misery and oppression – is a blurred one. Partly this is because the recognition of codependency as a real issue that is blighting the lives of so many has spread faster than the psychiatrists’ ability to nail it down and define it.

To summarise: codependency was first recognised by those working to help alcoholics in their recovery. Partners, and other family members, of some addicts were found to share certain unhealthy traits, such as dishonesty and self-denial, which could be loosely explained by an addiction to the addict and their behaviour. The codependent tag has since been extended to cover those who are overly dependent on others full stop.

So, if you’re still wondering which side of the dependency line you are on, here are six questions to ask yourself.

1. Are you in a relationship? Codependency is a condition that exists only within a relationship (unlike Dependent Personality Disorder).
2. Are your thoughts your own? If you constantly find yourself spouting out your partner’s (or parent’s, child’s etc.) opinions, this is termed ‘external referencing’ and is a sign of codependency.
3. Do you weigh things up? In healthy decision-making, we balance the pros and cons before coming to a conclusion. Codependents act to fulfil a need – a compulsion.
4. Are you aware of your needs? If I were to ask you what you wanted out of life, would your mind freeze up. If you’d never even considered the question before, then codependency is a real possibility.
5. Are your relationships generally calm? Codependents suffer a constant fear of abandonment and rejection and their relationships are often unstable or overly intense.
6. Are you honest? If you lie, deny or otherwise distort the truth about your partner and their behaviour you could be taking ownership of their problems – a codependent trait.

Other traits include the fear of being alone and feelings of anger, fear and discomfort when other people try to ‘help’ your partner with their problems.

Addressing a codependent relationship

If you, or someone you know, suspect you may be in a codependent relationship, even if you are unsure, it is time to seek suitably qualified help. You may not have to leave the relationship – but you do need to commit to change.

There is more information about codependency in my narcissism book:

This is a practical guide to understanding narcissism and unhooking and recovering from a narcissist/codependent relationship.

Recognising the start of an abusive narcissistic relationship

Loving relationships and abusive ones often have one thing in common: they start wonderfully. But once the honeymoon period is over, one half of the partnership may start to exhibit signs of narcissism.

Spotting narcissism: possessiveness and jealousy

Are possessiveness and jealousy something to be concerned about? Or are they part and parcel of being in love?

Jealous behaviour is rooted in insecurity, which is a natural part of being in a relationship. But jealousy is also one of the first manifestations of domestic abuse – which could be rooted in NPD. If your partner asks a few probing questions about your ties with a new friend, that is to be expected but it’s when they start stepping in to check and control your movements that you should be concerned.

Control is at the heart of every abusive relationship which includes every relationship with a narcissist.

They will start to exhibit classic abusive behaviours. These range from restricting access to money and transport, shouting at and humiliating you, throwing objects, making threats and using violence.

Domestic abuse involves a complex mixture of deliberate conscious behaviours and unconscious motivations but it is ultimately a very dangerous situation that can cause psychological damage to the adults and children involved and even lead to serious injury or death.

Getting help if your partner is jealous and possessive

Jealousy is a common sign of NPD. My narcissism book, Power of You: Learning How To Leave can help you to recognise and escape from a narcissistic relationship.

Spotting narcissism: Words as Weapons

“If you use your words as a weapon. Then as a weapon, I’ll shed no tears.” – Birdy, “Words as Weapons”

When we communicate with those who are close to us, we tend to assume a degree of empathy – or at least conscience. Tragically, people with NPD will use this natural human tendency to break down our barriers, access our vulnerabilities and then systematically tear our self-esteem apart.

Various psychiatric disorders feature a lack of empathy as one of their symptoms, but it is in NPD that the combination of neediness, social intelligence and emotional redundancy can form a particularly lethal brew. The most dangerous narcissists are those with a command of language because it is through words that they can cause their most devastating injuries – all the more potent because of their invisibility.

As explained in my narcissism book, Power of You: Learning How To Leave, narcissists and codependents form an inseparable unit in the codependent-narcissist relationship, akin to dance partners. Without the codependent partner, there is no mirror through which the narcissist can act out their twisted fantasies of ultimate power and control. This section aims to pull apart the method of attack used by narcissists to overpower their victims, because it is in recognising these patterns of behaviour that the codependent can become aware of what is happening to them and, from there, find a way out of the damaging cycle they are caught within.

The narcissist’s attack follows a predictable pattern which can be split into three stages: idealisation (or over-evaluation), devaluation and rejection or discard.

Stage 1: Idealisation

The idealisation stage is where the narcissist ‘lovebombs’ or grooms the codependent target. This is where they are at their charming best and use their mastery of language and psychology to convince the codependent that they are deeply in love with them. They will build up all of the codependent’s achievements and praise them effusively for their skills, strengths and talents. When they have won their partner’s trust, the narcissist will happily listen to the codependent’s deepest secrets and insecurities and their past traumas and disappointments, making all of the right noises to simulate real empathy. Sadly, their mock understanding has two purposes: to captivate their partner’s attention and to build up their ammunition stores ready for the next stage of the attack.

Stage 2: Devaluation

It is impossible for the level of intensity built up in the lovebombing stage to last indefinitely. Once the heat has come out of the initial relationship, the narcissist will feel empty and their self-confidence will wane. Unable to deal honestly with these feelings, they will project them back on to their codependent partner and start to blame them for how they are feeling. From now on, nothing that their once perfect partner does or says can be good enough to satisfy them.

To punish them for their deficiencies, while maintaining their own power, the narcissist uses everything they have stored up about the codependent – every trauma and every vulnerability – as hooks to hold fast on to their partner as they beat them down. At the same time, every achievement the codependent has ever been proud of is mocked and, where possible, attributed to the narcissist’s own efforts (“You only got that promotion because your boss is an old friend of mine”, or, “If you’re such an amazing people manager, how come you’re still doing the same old job?”). Gaslighting is another common narcissistic behaviour, where the narcissist plants insecurities in their partner’s mind using lies and deception (“Popular at work? That’s not what Marie said the other day, when I met her in town”).

And it’s not just the weapons of barbed logic and subtle insinuation that the narcissist makes use of during the devaluation assault. Any attempt at arguing back is likely to be met with a mixture of outright verbal abuse; circular discussions that go nowhere; false accusations, excuses and counterclaims; surly silences and even techniques such as deliberate mumbling and ‘word salad’: an incoherent babble of unrelated (or vaguely related) words and phrases designed to throw the recipient into confusion (“Not today. Other fish to fry and trees to bark up. Understand? No, you wouldn’t”). David Brent (Ricky Gervais) from The Office often used word salad to bewilder and disarm his managers.

Stage 3: Rejection

The narcissist discard stage (rejection stage) is exactly what it sounds like: the complete severing of any bond between narcissist and codependent. The narcissist will often find a new object of affection at this stage or will simply disappear from the scene, giving every indication of being indifferent to their former partner’s existence. But in reality, even this is a deception. For when the narcissist dumps the codependent, he or she is painfully aware that their victim still exists. They can only accept the breakup if the codependent is rendered completely powerless and left with nothing.

Therefore, the discard stage of narcissism will often involve the narcissist twisting the knife by turning friends, family members and even the law against the codependent, often while parading their new partner in front of them, telling them how perfect he or she is in comparison. Further down the line, when the narcissist is feeling lonely and empty once more, they are likely to revisit past victims and start the cycle again with convincing apologies, extravagant romantic gestures and promises of change (“I didn’t realise how much I loved you before. We are meant to be together. No one understands me like you do. Let’s put all this behind us and make a fresh start!”). Having been left in such a traumatised and fragile state, the codependent is likely to revert to their familiar pattern of doing all they can to be the perfect partner and so the cycle goes on.

Unhooking from the process: how to leave a narcissist

Those codependents who are currently stuck in the cycle of narcissistic abuse, can start to put a brake on the damage being done right now, through the same medium of language that the narcissist is using against them.

Codependents must realise that they have got to the position they are in by taking their self-worth from others. This need for approval was like a beacon in the dark to the narcissist and became their means of control. To escape the trap with minimal damage, codependents have to start validating themselves.

They may never have been the ideal person that the narcissist built them up to be during the lovebombing stage, but those strands of positive language that were lavished on them can be used to weave a more realistic positive self-image which can be used to beat off the narcissist’s attempt to destroy them.

By becoming aware of when a verbal attack is taking place, the codependent can learn to detach themselves from the words being used and realise that they are just as twisted and exaggerated as those praises that gushed out during the initial over-evaluation stage.

No, the codependent is not the most beautiful, graceful creature to walk the Earth. But neither is she or he an ugly, worthless piece of dirt. The codependent also needs to become aware, if they are not already, that there is no winning a war of words with a narcissist. Your only choice, in their eyes, is complete agreement with their evaluation of you and your status.

Spotting narcissism: What is gaslighting?

We all suffer from occasional lapses of memory and muddled thinking, whether it’s forgetting where we last put the car keys, turning up for an appointment on the wrong day or completely grasping the wrong end of the stick in an email exchange.

But imagine that these frustrating events started happening all of the time causing you to wonder if you were losing the plot. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist – whether a spouse, older child, parent or work colleague – there is a particularly cruel strategy that is sometimes used to gain control of the relationship: ‘gaslighting’.

The term originated from a play written in the 1930s which inspired the 1944 movie ‘Gaslight’. In the film, the character played by Charles Boyer wages a campaign against his wife, played by Ingrid Bergman, which involves convincing her that she is losing her mind. Part of his campaign involves dimming the gas lighting and colluding with his staff to give his wife the impression she is imagining it. That’s where the name comes from.

Gaslighting has two elements: The first is that it must be deliberate; simply telling someone that they are overreacting or that they’ve misremembered an event is not necessarily gaslighting. Second, the perpetrator has to construct a false reality to replace a real scenario.

Obvious tactics such as moving objects so the victim believes they have lost them are clearly examples of gaslighting, but the narcissist also works on a more subtle level, questioning the victim’s memory of events and the accuracy of what they have experienced or witnessed.

For example, you and your partner may agree that he or she picks up the kids from school on a Monday but when the day arrives your partner insists you agreed on Tuesday, causing you to doubt your recollection of the discussion. The aim is to keep you constantly questioning your memories and perceptions and feeling anxious and insecure. After enduring this form of abuse for long enough, the victim tires of the fight, abandons their own sense of reality and turns to the narcissist to define it for them.

Just as brainwashing requires the victim to be isolated from alternative viewpoints, the narcissist increasingly isolates their victim, owning progressively more of their reality and then working to invalidate their perceptions and memories of that reality.

Gaslighting is one of a range of techniques used by the narcissist who, it must be remembered, is adept at the art of manipulation. Mixed with other forms of emotional control, such as invalidation and humiliation, the narcissist creates a living nightmare of shifting illusions with themselves at the centre, pulling the strings.

Gaslighting is often a key factor in one of the most widely misunderstood characteristics of domestic abuse – the ‘decision’ to stay in the relationship. By the time the situation has progressed to the stage where outsiders are aware of the abuse, the outside world seems so uncertain and confusing to the victim, and the narcissist so sure and omnipotent, that the victim has no doubt that the narcissist can and will follow through on their promise to track them down, hurt or kill them/those they care about, or get them arrested or committed to an institution.

Not every form of invalidation is gaslighting, and not every instance of controlling behaviour is evidence of narcissism, but the depths to which a narcissist will go to maintain and increase their hold on their victim should not be underestimated.

If you or someone you know have been affected by this most evil game and have escaped, the sooner you access appropriate therapy the better as there is lots of work to be done. Therapy can help to restore your sense of reality, while strategies can be developed for managing any associated anxiety, depression and grief over the loss of a relationship.

Spotting narcissism: Adultery/cheating

When adultery/cheating shatters your world, how can it ever be possible to pick up the pieces and move on?

How can you ever look at your partner again without your vision being contaminated by the thoughts of what went on behind your back? And how can your partner ever look into your eyes without their heart being pierced with shards of shame?

For a start, if your partner is a narcissist, you can be sure that the last statement won’t apply because they will have no remorse. In that case, it will serve you well to remember how they treated you and what that felt like. It will help you to move on.

Even if your partner is not a narcissist, you will have a lot of work to do. Your partner must agree to end any existing affairs and commit fully to your relationship, while you will have to work on your emotions including any intense anger, hurt and grief that arises.

Help recovering from a narcissist’s affair

If you, or someone you know, are stuck in the process of trying to gather up the broken pieces of your life following a narcissist’s affair, the help of a qualified therapist could be just what you need to move forward towards healing and wholeness.

Spotting narcissism: Domestic abuse

Sometimes it takes a slap in the face (metaphorical or not!) to wake up to the reality of what is happening to us. But when that slap comes from the person we are most intimate with we may still not be able to see the light.

Emotional domestic abuse, the most common kind, is even more insidious, gradually eroding away our self-worth until we start to internalise our partner’s vitriol, justifying their outbursts and promising to try harder next time to appease them.

It is worth noting here that the scourge of domestic abuse transcends age, gender, sexuality and physical ability (note the fear that the partners of Oscar Pistorius experienced in his presence). Men are as likely to be victims of domestic abuse and violence as women are, and same sex couples are also in the mix.

What so many on the outside fail to realise is that love and hate become closely entwined in an abusive relationship, so much so that behaviour can seem illogical and bizarre. But what is so strange about wanting to see the best in someone you love? To believe they will change their ways? Or, for that matter, to choose pain and humiliation rather than the fear of death that so often proves well-founded when abused spouses leave their abusers?

How to escape a narcissist and stop the domestic abuse

So, how do we get a person or ourselves out of this suffocating and demoralising position?

Tough love and a lot of work to UNDERSTAND what we are mixed up with, UNHOOK ourselves (or our friend) from the toxic bind and then start the process of recovery and work on ensuring this doesn’t happen again because otherwise the codependent will go back and repeat the pattern.

The deadly dynamic between a narcissist and codependent is the subject of my narcissism book: Power of You: Learning How To Leave, a practical guide to understanding, unhooking and recovering from a narcissistic relationship.

If you feel frightened by your partner or often on edge in their presence – even if you don’t fully accept that you are experiencing domestic abuse – contacting a suitably qualified therapist will help bring clarity and, if necessary, the hope of a way out or to stop. It is normal to feel you are betraying your partner by taking this course of action, but be assured that therapists are not interested in apportioning blame. Instead you will explore how the domestic abuse began, what your life was like before the domestic abuse and what helps you to feel OK about yourself.

Don’t let abuse or your own frustration build into something explosive and potentially dangerous. Get help! There are plenty of support agencies, including the police, you can reach out to either online or by telephone. The police have a zero tolerance policy to domestic violence and their domestic violence team are very well trained.

If you are in imminent danger, you must get out of harm’s way and find a place of safety. In other cases, you should make plans to leave without making any knee-jerk reactions. Get out – but make sure it is at the right time for you.

If you can, reach out to a friend that you trust. Someone you know you can rely on for support and that won’t confront the narcissist directly. It takes courage and strength to escape domestic abuse but the reward is worth it.

Michael’s Top 10 Warning Signs of a Toxic Relationship

Before I go through my top 10 warning signs of a toxic relationship, I want to stress the importance of not making any knee-jerk reactions based on what you read here. It is sometimes possible to find help with a toxic relationship… some troubled relationships can be repaired if both partners commit to open, honest communication and access help where needed. Although some relationships may carry a similar footprint to a toxic/NPD relationship, it may not be the same. All relationships have troubled times.

In other cases, the relationship will need to end. For example, someone with NPD won’t have the self-awareness, empathy or remorse needed to change themselves. In this case, leaving the relationship should be a planned process not a reactive event. And, we need to prepare ourselves not just for the leaving but the outrage that will follow. And, it WILL follow.

I provide detailed advice on ending toxic relationships in my narcissism book Learning How To Leave from my Power Of You series.

What is a toxic relationship?

If you are thinking to yourself, ‘Am I in a toxic relationship?’ then you are not alone. I have come across many toxic intimate relationships through my work, and toxic friendships and family members are also common. According to Forbes, three-quarters of men and 80% of women have had a toxic friend at some point in their lives.

Take a look below at some of the associated behaviours, feelings and warning signs that you shouldn’t ignore.

1. Controlling behaviour

Are you constantly being bombarded with questions about where you have been, what you have been doing and who you have been communicating with?

Does your partner (or parent, friend, child, work colleague, etc.) get annoyed if you don’t respond to their text messages in a timely fashion? Do they make accusations or check up to make sure you are telling the truth?

These are just some examples of controlling behaviour which is rooted in insecurity. Left unchallenged, controlling behaviour often escalates into abuse.

2. Dishonesty

Dishonesty is a destructive force within any relationship. There are many reasons that can lie behind dishonest behaviour.

A person may lie or distort the truth if they know being honest about their behaviour would cause a scene. Perhaps one partner likes to pinch the pennies but the other prefers to indulge themselves at times. Instead of working out a compromise, the indulgent one may hide their purchases.

Where there are relationship difficulties, one half of a couple may become involved in a secret love affair.

Dishonesty can also be a way of masking problems such as addiction or eating disorders. It can also be a means of escaping controlling behaviour by exercising freedoms denied you by a controlling partner.

Needless to say, any form of dishonesty is a shaky foundation for a healthy relationship.

3. Feeling drained and unhappy

Sometimes it is very hard to put your finger on what exactly is wrong with your relationship. Trust your gut. If your relationship leaves you feeling drained of energy or chronically unhappy, there is a good chance it is toxic.

4. One-sided financial decisions

Money is often a source of stress in relationships but both parties should be aiming for equal access and fair distribution of finances and other resources where possible. While there may be disagreement over where money is spent, there should be open discussion.

If one partner makes solo decisions over finances, especially with large sums of money, this is a sign of an unhealthy power balance. In the worst cases, one partner will control access to all finances, even those owned by the other person. This is financial abuse and is a common element in domestic violence.

5. Constant stress

Stress is in itself toxic. Studies have shown that chronic levels of stress can weaken the immune system and there is some evidence of a link to certain conditions such as asthma, heart disease and stomach problems.

If you are feeling stressed you will feel less able to care for yourself and this can lead to a vicious circle of self-neglect and anxiety. To recover from stress, you need to give yourself permission to do the things that make you feel happy. If your relationship is not ticking that box, it could be literally making you ill.

By now you might be convinced that you need to leave your relationship. Please make sure you plan carefully and get support from others. My book on narcissism and toxic relationships, Learning How To Leave, has additional advice including how to leave safely.

6. Competing instead of supporting

Does your partner ‘have your back’ or are they constantly trying to get one up on you. Perhaps they minimise your achievements while blowing their own trumpet. They might even be taking credit for the good things that you have brought into your life.

Healthy relationships should be about support not competition.

7. Resentment and frustration

Let’s check in with our gut again. Do you feel frustrated that your partner doesn’t seem to understand you. Have you started to resent them for the way they treat you? Don’t ignore these red flags. Resentment is a poison that will eat away at the heart of your relationship if you don’t address the issues behind it.

8. Being isolated from friends and family

How often do you get to spend time with your friends and family? If you have reduced contact with those you love, ask yourself why. Sometimes there is an overt attempt by one person to isolate their partner. This can range from moaning about your plans to see friends and relatives to outright threats. Be mindful that coercive control is now a criminal offence.

In other cases, a person will avoid seeing friends and family out of a fear of embarrassment. Is your other half a big drinker or do they often insult people at the dinner table?

Either way, isolation is toxic and will stop you from leading a happy and fulfilling life.

9. Lack of respect

There are many ways in which a partner might demonstrate a lack of respect. Do they ignore your needs? Are they unkind in the language they use when talking about you to others? Do they call you names or swear at you? Perhaps they are always late for events that are important to you or invite mates back without checking you are OK with it. How about your own behaviour? Are you disrespectful to your other half?

Disrespect is a sure sign of a toxic relationship and must be tackled if you are to enjoy a healthy future together.

10. Prioritising your partner’s needs

Do you spend most of your time thinking about what your partner needs and expects from you? This is the hallmark of the codependent, someone who sacrifices their own needs for that of their partner (or parent, child, boss, best friend, etc.).

Codependents attract narcissists and that dynamic is the very definition of a toxic relationship. If you are concerned that you might be trapped in a relationship with a narcissist, I recommend you get hold of a copy of my narcissism book, Learning How To Leave, where you will gain a deeper understanding about your relationship and your options for escape. But let me be clear, it is YOU that needs to look at YOURSELF. With my help, you can make some small but doable changes that will help you forever!

Michael’s Ten Commandments for Dealing with Narcissists

Being in a relationship with a narcissist, whether as a romantic partner, spouse, parent, sibling, teacher, student, boss, employee or work colleague, can leave us feeling uncertain. On the one hand, we know that every relationship requires effort to avoid conflict and maintain harmony. On the other hand, we know that we have to stand up for ourselves to avoid being treated like a doormat (especially if we are codependent by nature).

Having an understanding of narcissism and narcissistic behaviour can greatly improve outcomes when the inevitable conflicts arise.

Those of a Christian or Jewish faith, might draw upon the Ten Commandments when faced with an ethical dilemma. These can provide a stable framework in times of flux.

In recognition that those dealing with a slippery narcissist may benefit from such a framework to increase their understanding of narcissism, I present my Ten Commandments for Dealing with Narcissists.

For a deeper understanding of narcissism, including how to recognise and escape from a toxic relationship, buy my in-depth narcissism guide, Power of You: Learning How To Leave, which is available now via Amazon Kindle, Amazon paperback, Apple iBooks, Audible audiobook and other outlets.

1. Thou Shalt Know Thine Enemy

Like any adversary, a narcissist has their strengths and weaknesses. The more you know about narcissism and how a narcissist operates, the more in control you will be when confronting them.

For example, there is little point in appealing to a narcissist’s compassion when raising an issue. Narcissists are devoid of empathy and remorse. On the other hand, narcissists are extremely sensitive to personal criticism. They may desist from doing something if they believe it will make them look weak or silly.

2. Thou Shalt Never Show Weakness

Narcissists believe in survival of the fittest. Even if they appear to be engaging in reasonable dialogue, you can be certain that they are probing you for signs of weakness. If you divulge a secret or a personal shortcoming to them, you will be supplying them with ammunition for their next attack.

The narcissist may even open up to you about past traumas and inner pain in a bid to get you to do the same. Don’t fall into the trap!

3. Thou Shalt Not Be Led Astray

Narcissists can be incredibly charismatic, with an unnerving ability to pull people off centre with carefully aimed praise. This is often a disarming tactic, designed to weaken their victim’s defences against manipulation.

People with poor boundaries, particularly codependents, can be easily swept away by a devious narcissist. That is why it is important to be clear about what your red lines are – in business, family and love – before you find yourself being conned into following the narcissist’s agenda.

4. Thou Shalt Raise a Shield Against Thine Foes

Never take on a narcissist when you are feeling uncertain or vulnerable. Make sure you know exactly what you want out of the situation, and don’t allow the narcissist to waver from the issue at hand.

If possible, stay away from emotional issues and keep things matter-of-fact. You will feel more able to cope with what comes back to you if you are feeling relaxed and not stressed out by other circumstances.

5. Thou Shalt Be Prepared for Battle

Be careful when taking on a narcissist, especially in public where they like to shine.

Even if they laugh off your criticisms, you can be sure that they will be feeling the sting deep within. They may attack you head on, in a fit of rage, sabotage your efforts or stab you in the back but, one way or another, you should expect a reaction.

Never underestimate a narcissist. Some of the most successful people on the planet were narcissists (for example the conman Bernie Madoff and child abuser Jimmy Savile, both covered in my narcissism book, Power of You: Learning How To Leave). A well-connected narcissist can wreck a career or a reputation and would do so in a heartbeat. So, while you should be prepared for a fight, choose your battles wisely (also see Commandment 7).

6. Thou Shalt Not Blame Thyself

It can be incredibly tough to find the balance between accepting our own mistakes and recognising when we are not at fault. Narcissists, who feel no sense of responsibility to others, know this. They will take advantage by playing the blame game.

Depending on the context, you can either ignore them completely or defend your position. What you mustn’t do is aid their cause by blaming yourself. Again, Commandment 7 can help if you are struggling to hold your own.

7. Thou Shalt Reach Out to Thine Allies

One of the narcissists’ most lethal weapons is isolation. By separating their victim from their sources of support, they can begin to assert their version of reality over the relationship.

Here is where the insidious effects of gaslighting can start to destroy the victim’s hold on reality, where emotional and often physical abuse can be used to wear them down. Yes, narcissists are often the perpetrators of domestic violence, but they so often manage to manipulate others so that they only see the charming mask. You can read about some shocking cases of this nature in my narcissism book, Power of You: Learning How To Leave, which will deepen your understanding of narcissism across many different contexts.

The best antidote to this poison is to surround yourself with supportive people. Stay close to your friends, reconnect with your family, join hobby groups or volunteer in the community. Anything that extends your network of support will help you to keep your boundaries strong and give you options for escape if needed.

8. Thou Shalt Enjoy Thyself in Moderation

When all is well in a narcissist’s world (i.e., they are getting lots of positive attention), they can be the life and soul of any party. Just because you have issues with a narcissist, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t enjoy some of the good times while they last.

At the same time, be careful not to indulge too greedily. Narcissists don’t believe in providing a free lunch, and you will find it much harder to withstand their demands if you feel in debt bondage to them.

9. Thou Shalt Light the Path Ahead

Sadly, over 30 years of clinical experience have made me very skeptical about the possibility of a cure for narcissism. However, I hope one day to be proven wrong. If a narcissist you know is open to attending therapy, you could help them by finding a local therapist with a deep understanding of narcissism.

It is important to be real about the narcissist’s chances of reform though. To the narcissist, the therapy room often becomes yet another theatre in which they can parade their inflated ego. You may be able to lead the horse to water but even if it bows its head to drink, it is likely to turn around and spit the water back in your face.

In addition, if you are codependent, you will find it hard to take a step back and let the narcissist succeed or fail on their own. But this you must do – for your own sake as much as for the narcissist’s.

10. Thou Shalt Know Thyself

My Tenth Commandment is the most important of all, because it brings together many of the others.

If you are certain about your destination, you will never be led astray by a wily narcissist. If you are firm with your boundaries, you will never reveal your weaknesses to a narcissist and will never allow them to define who you are.

And if you understand what you are responsible for and what is out of your control, you will never play the narcissist’s blame game.

I am committed to opening the world’s eyes to the reality of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. In particular, codependents, who are drawn to narcissists like moths to a flame, need a way to identify the danger, put the brakes on and reverse out of a dangerous dead end.

For a full understanding of narcissism and codependency and how they interact, buy my book, Power of You: Learning How To Leave. Packed with insight, case studies and practical advice, this constantly evolving guide condenses decades of training and experience into 300 pages of wisdom.

What is codependency?

I’ve mentioned the word codependency several times already, but what exactly is it? From where does the term codependency arise? How is it different from dependency? Why does it not appear as a separate pathology in the DSM-5?

Like a snowball gathering dirt as it rolls downhill, the term has become so contaminated with misunderstanding that it is often shunned by the psychiatric community. But those on the front line of therapy have always been painfully aware of codependency’s many faces, whether it wears the defensive scowl of the alcoholic’s doting partner, armed with a protective shield of excuses. Or the sad eyes of the desperately attentive spouse of a narcissist listlessly gobbling up the meagre scraps of attention thrown their way.

Codependency can be defined as dysfunctional helping which enables the addiction, or other destructive or restrictive behaviour patterns, of others. It is characterised by a reliance on other people to supply approval and validate identity with the codependent doing whatever is necessary to gain that approval.

The grassroots rise of codependency

As explained in ‘Enter the Codependent,’ a chapter in my book, Power of You: Learning How To Leave, the term codependency arose from the world famous alcohol support group Alcoholics Anonymous. It was used to explain a harmful type of relationship characterised by behaviours that enabled alcoholics to maintain their addictions. The concept and term were adopted by the AA offshoot Al-Anon, which focuses on alcoholism as a ‘family illness’, but it was a series of books from the 1980s which really made codependency a globally recognised, if not fully understood, pathology.

The first of these works was Janet G. Woititz’s, Adult Children of Alcoholism, which was quickly followed into print by Robin Norwood’s, Women who Love too Much, each book reaching over two million in sales. This was eclipsed by Melody Beattie’s 1986 book, Codependent No More, which was bought by around 8 million people.

Codependency and the passive dependent personality

There is an overlap between codependents and people who would once have been described as having a passive dependent personality, and this can cause the two to be confused.

In fact, while Dependent Personality Disorder (DPD) is categorised as a Cluster C disorder in the DSM-5, codependency is not granted its own category, despite an attempt by psychiatrist Timmen Cermak to justify its inclusion in the manual back in the 1980s. Cermak’s formulation did, however, influence the adaptation of the AA’s 12-step programme by CoDA, a network of codependent help groups.

One of the complications with arriving at an agreed psychiatric definition of codependency is its ‘grassroots’ origin. The term originated from people’s real-life experience in the field rather than from an academic paper, and the popular mainstream explosion that followed its discovery served to broaden the lay meaning of the term. This has made it too ambiguous to fit the strict parameters laid down by the psychiatrists.

Another complication with codependency is that it is situational in nature, requiring another person – the addict or narcissist – to become manifest. Although the DSM is moving towards a more holistic view of psychiatric pathology, it still tends to define psychiatric disorders as individual in nature rather than arising as part of complex inter-relational dynamics.

Nevertheless, whether codependency warrants inclusion as a specific psychiatric disorder, or is best understood as a common ‘caregiver’ personality trait taken to extremes, the fact is that it severely hampers the ability of either person to become unstuck and develop in a healthier direction.

Codependency as an emergent dynamic

Perhaps the easiest way to understand codependency is as an emergent property of two unhealthy situations. Just as water is neither hydrogen nor oxygen yet depends upon both to exist, codependency requires two components:

1. A person who is dependent upon either a substance or a type of behaviour (e.g. narcissistic supply)
2. A second person who is dependent upon serving others to maintain their sense of self (e.g. someone with Dependent Personality Disorder or a dependent personality trait).

Just as the addict or narcissist needs their fix (whether from a shot of heroin or an influx of attention), their partner in the dynamic requires them to persist in their addiction to fulfil their own need to be needed. This is why they are said to be codependent.

Advice for the Codependent – Tackling Your People-Pleasing Habit

You don’t have to be in a codependent relationship to be a people pleaser, but those who are stuck in a relationship with a narcissist are invariably people pleasers – the narcissist will tolerate nothing else. This is why the end of the people pleasing usually results in the end of the relationship in these cases.

Whether you are stuck in a codependent relationship or not – or are unsure – tackling your people pleasing habit can only be a good thing. Below, I have set out eight related strategies that can really help you to regain your identity and, with it, your self-esteem.

Kicking the people pleasing habit

Tip 1: Define your values and priorities

This is one of the most important tips I can give, and I will refer to it again later in the text.

People-pleasers tend to sacrifice most of their own values on one overriding priority – making the other person (or people in general) like and approve of them. For example, you may believe it is wrong to criticise someone you love in public, but if your partner scolds you during a dinner party, you might make excuses rather than risk upsetting them (“She’s going through a stressful period at the moment,” or, “He just wants everything to be perfect.”)

Start addressing this classic people pleasing tendency by spending some time thinking about what you need and expect from your relationships. Use these values as an anchor point as you work on kicking the habit.

Tip 2: You rarely ‘have’ to do anything…

Other people, particularly the most manipulative ones, are very good at stating (or implying) that you have no choice but to satisfy their demands. This is rarely – if ever – the case and you will usually have more of a say than you might grant yourself. Whenever someone asks you to do something for them, you should ask yourself if you have a choice about it. Most often, the answer will be yes.

Tip 3: …And hardly ever immediately!

The most persuasive people can not only convince others that they have to do something, but also that they have to do it (or make a decision on it) NOW!

Creating a sense of urgency is a powerful technique, because once you have committed to doing something, it is so much harder to extract yourself from that new obligation. It also prevents you from modifying the agreement with conditions and increases the risk that you will not only do what’s expected of you, but that you will do it exactly how and when the other person dictates.

Train yourself to be aware of that sense of pressure, and respond with a deep breath and a promise that you will think about it and respond in due course.

Tip 4: Declare your own terms…

After having given yourself ample time to think things through, you may decide that you are not simply people-pleasing but genuinely happy to help out. You still need to be wary of being taken advantage of though. Carefully consider what is being asked of you, and introduce your own terms and conditions to avoid misunderstandings (“OK, I will step in as club secretary, but only until the end of June,” or “I will put the kids to bed myself so that you can go to Gerry’s celebration, but next Saturday I would like to go out with Marian.”)

Tip 5: …Or just say no – with no excuses or apologies!

If you really don’t want to, or can’t, agree to the other person’s request or demand, you will need to give them a clear, unambiguous, “No.” This is one of the hardest challenges for a people-pleasing person, but becomes easier with practice (although qualified therapeutic help is often beneficial if this proves too much of a struggle).

A common mistake people-pleasers make is to wrap their dissent in explanations and apologies. The problem with giving too many explanations is that they can be used as hooks to try and manipulate you into changing your mind: (“Don’t worry about the mess. I’ll make sure it’s cleared up straight after the party – and I won’t invite Boris”, or, “The committee meetings are only every other Monday and I’ll give you a lift so you don’t have to worry about Julie having the car.”)

A reason can be given if really warranted, but it should be made clear that negotiation is not on the table. Habitual apologies are the calling card of the people-pleaser and are a shorthand acknowledgment of their lower status in the relationship. Saying, “No”,’ doesn’t have to be harsh and cold even if this is sometimes necessary. Gentle, empathic and firm repetition is often the best approach (“I know you really want me on board, and I’m flattered, but I’m going to say no this time,” or, “I understand you haven’t seen your friends for a while, but I don’t want anyone around tonight.”)

Tip 6: Use affirmations, visualisations and journals

To strengthen the power of your core values and priorities (see Tip 1) over habitual people-pleasing, affirmations can be useful. These can range from sticky notes put in prominent places around the home to verbal messages recorded on tape, or repeated out loud during a meditation session.

Examples might include, ‘I have the right to choose what I want and don’t want to do,’ or, ‘Time to myself is important to my health,’ or, ‘I respect myself and deserve respect from others.’

Visualisations can also be very helpful tools for combating compulsive people-pleasing. For example, visualising a red light whenever someone makes a demand can be an effective reminder to stop before making an immediate reply (see Tip 3). A self-esteem journal can be a powerful way to keep track of progress, record positive results and identify people-pleasing challenges.

Tip 7: Start small and work your way up

In long-term relationships (whether love, work or family), a lot of work may be needed to unpick previous habits of people-pleasing. This is often best achieved by tackling minor issues first before building up to tackling the bigger picture. For example, instead of confronting a parent on how they always control the relationship, start by refusing to take their phone call ‘on demand’. Wait until you are ready. Once assertiveness has become more natural for you, you will find it easier to bring up the wider issues that impact the relationship.

Tip 8: Realise you can only change yourself

Once you have strengthened your values, organised your priorities, built up your self-esteem and become practised in resisting unwanted demands, an amazing thing is likely to happen! You will often realise that the manipulators have moved on to easier targets, while those who are truly committed to your relationship have adapted to the changing dynamic.

In resisting your people-pleasing need for approval, you are rewarded with genuine love and admiration – what you were looking for all along! This does not mean that the transition will be easy; for example, a true narcissist will never accept losing control and will fight back or leave the relationship completely. At this stage, you may come to a profound and unsettling realisation of your own – that, just like the narcissist, the hidden purpose of your own codependent behaviour was all about control rather than the acceptance of another person’s right and need to be an individual.

More about codependency and people pleasing

For more information and advice about people-pleasing, codependency and how to unhook from a narcissistic relationship, please see my book Power of You: Learning How To Leave available in paperback, Kindle, e-book and audiobook formats.

Healing after leaving a narcissist

Being codependent in a relationship with a narcissist means you will have given your ex the responsibility for your happiness. If you repeat the pattern with your next partner, this will be a recipe for yet more disappointment – and possibly disaster. Before you start seeking another partner, work on finding self-belief and satisfaction in areas outside of intimate relationships.

Are you too kind in your relationships? Three signs to watch out for

Are you conscious of being too kind in your love relationship, with friends and family or with people at work? If you often end up feeling used, hurt, paralysed or worn out when helping others, it could be your empathy that is to blame.

But isn’t empathy a good thing?

In small doses, yes. The amazing ability to feel somebody else’s emotions is what makes us human and can really help us to understand a situation. But if we are unable to separate ourselves from the person we are concerned about, this can lead to problems.

Before moving on to the three signs you are being too kind, if your relationship with your partner, spouse, employer, parent, child or anyone else is making you unhappy, consider whether you might be in a toxic relationship or codependent/narcissist dance with them.

My book, Power of You: Learning How To Leave, will help you to understand what’s really going on and – most importantly – how to change things for the better.

1. You are being cruel to others

Being too kind to one person can cause a person to neglect or even hurt others. This is because we find it easier to have empathy with those who are closest to us than those who are further away.

Sadly, many people, in particular narcissists, will use this facet of human nature to further their own agenda. If that involves sowing hate against other individuals and groups, there is a real risk that the positive desire to help and understand one person can become a destructive drive to avenge that person.

Of course, this means that the kind person has to turn off their empathy when it comes to the target of their anger or cruelty.

It is not only narcissists who use empathy to create hatred. Political and religious groups will often use emotive stories about the people and groups we are closest to in order to paint a picture of the cruel and inhuman ‘other’. If you feel what the other person is doing or saying is nonsense, it more than likely is. You’d be wise not to ignore this feeling.

2. You feel exhausted and apathetic

Being too kind can actually reduce your positive impact in the world. Take a nurse on a busy hospital ward. If they were to feel every ounce of distress experienced by their patients, they would be incapable of doing their job. In order to function as a force for good, we must strike a balance between sharing others’ feelings and protecting our own physical and mental health.

With the ongoing uncertainty over COVID-19, racial conflict and a nasty political climate, it is especially important to care for our own mental health.

As detailed in the case studies I feature in my book, Power of You: Learning How To Leave, narcissists will not stop until they have sucked their codependent partners dry. They will then simply discard their victim, like a pair of old shoes, leaving them washed out and empty.

3. You cycle through toxic relationships

If you are constantly ending up in toxic or abusive relationships, where you are the worn out, brow-beaten and frustrated one and the other is selfish, uncaring and cruel, you could be unwittingly attracting narcissists into your life.

If you are forever trying harder and harder to live up to someone’s impossibly high standards and relying on them for your emotional security, you are highly likely to be the codependent personality in a toxic relationship.

Understanding narcissism and codependency is the first step to escaping from this deadly and destructive dynamic. This is why I wrote the book, Power of You: Learning How To Leave. It has opened the eyes of many kind souls who have suffered for far too long as a result of multiple abusive relationships.

How can we stop being too kind?

Actually, the problem is not that we are being too kind, but that we are confusing kindness and compassion with empathy. It is perfectly possible to be kind to someone without taking on their pain.

In my work, I often use the Serenity Prayer to help people to understand when to act and when to take a step back:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and wisdom to know the difference

If we reserve our true empathy for those who deserve it – and use it only when we are in a place of strength and self-awareness – we will steer clear of the dangers listed above.

If you, or someone you know, are in a toxic relationship with a narcissist, whether domestic violence is involved or not, I urge you to invest in a copy of my powerful book, Power of You: Learning How To Leave. Here you will gain a deep understanding of narcissism and codependency together with some practical steps for unhooking and recovering from narcissistic abuse.

Ending the hating game

Have you been worrying that you didn’t do enough to keep your other half interested in you? This is a standard response – self-blame – that people in an unfulfilling relationship with a narcissist sometimes fall back on.

Or have you been blaming your partner for not meeting your emotional needs? Hating and blaming the narcissist may be an easier road to ride than working on yourself, but having the guts to tackle the ugly truth about your own part in the unhappy dance can lead to real insight and success in future partnerships. Which do you choose?

Failing to maintain healthy boundaries and letting others take advantage of us will make us feel resentful. Rather than burying your head in the sand and hoping for change, work on being kind to yourself, looking after your body and saying ‘no’ every now and then. If you, or someone you know, need help with the process, seek a suitably qualified therapist.